melancholic rainy days

It's been a while. Realised i haven't update for the month of November when the start of this month, last year i was so scared to receive this (kinda dreaded) month of November and remember praying my heart to be strong.

But, time flies they say. And it's November again. Although right now, it doesn't feel so dreadful anymore. Alhamdulillah. :)

Time heals all wounds ya. Or love heals. I choose to say love heals. Not necessarily love from another human being, or specifically love from another half.
But knowing that Allah continues loving you, is actually enough for you to heal. Trust me.

Thank you Allah for Your mercy & Your love. Because You are the only One who doesn't disappoint. I must always remember that.

Just changed the background to suit the rainy mood these few days and probably the next month or so. I love rainy days. :) The melancholic feeling that accompanies rainy days are very very very much loved. :)

And feeling melancholic will make me blabber non-stop. Yes, like right now. Hahaha.

Which is why i need this blog. I cannot not write or in this case type. Have always had a journal even back in primary school because i need to let my feelings out even if it's just on a piece of paper (although looking back, my worries back then has become laughable now.. hehe). I cannot just keep these feelings inside me without having an outlet to vent. It's an escapism for me. Writing. Which is why I have journals for my kids (i love calling my students, kids). So that at least, they have an outlet to express themselves, away from the prying eyes of other people who just want to know what's going on but not exactly bothering or caring.

At least when my kids write, they know they have someone to respond to. Though some don't get why they need to write a journal, some actually expressed their inner deepest feelings into the journal. And i'm happy to respond to their writings. Even if i can't solve their problems, at least they feel better writing it down and sharing with someone whom they trust.

Oh well, this is what happens when i blabber. i start writing about something and end up with something totally different. hehehe.

till the next 'melancholic' entry.

toodles!

of work & love.

So the past weekdays has been nothing but hectic, rushing & most of all, just tiring. What with the cluster sharing project, plus the endless markings (which has to be put aside, yet again) and of course the exam papers which have started streaming in. So yup, last week was just capital Y-I-K-E-S!

But of course, nothing i can't handle. Chey. Even if i think i can't handle, i still have to do it anyway, haha. God doesn't give you what you can't cope eh. So yup insyaAllah all will be well.. :)

Have to thank the-other-half for being so super understanding although we were missing each other like crazy. Ok, I was missing him like crazy. I just want to think that he is too. Hahaha.

It reached to an end on Thursday when eventually the whole cluster sharing thingy was over. Alhamdulillah it went really well. Although of course there were some last minutes running here & there. But what is a major project without some last minute shenanigans. Hurhur.

Yup, so the sharing did push my boundaries a little bit, ok make that a lot. The picture above is me sharing with the G.O.H about our programmes. Nerve-wrecking experience definitely!
But it was a wonderful learning experience overall. I'm just glad & thankful i have great colleagues to work with. :) 
Best part was when VP said i am going through a 'steep learning curve'. :)) you are so right la VP. 1st year & already made to do cluster sharing. O.o
But the R.O. was quite impressed with what I've been doing so far. So it's all good.. :)

and the whole hectic week ended on a super sweet note with the-other-half. ♥♥♥
felt so loved and appreciate all his efforts. :) ♥♥♥
Best part was when the-other-half remembered the soft cookies i once baked for him. so so touched. i think it's time to bake another batch for love. :)

So yup, a couple of best parts this week. May this blessings always continue. Insya-Allah. :))

nothing to wearrrr

(via loodledoodles)

ME!

Every single working morning!!! LOL!

Resilience

(via simplynorule)

Perseverance.

That is what that's keeping me going, especially when it comes to work or school. whichever. doesn't matter.

Things can get really tiring at times,

and me, being the lembik person that i am,

sometimes, feel like putting everything away & just run (this part kalau run betul-betul takpe, at least dpt lose some babats... lol!)

so yeah, i'm proud of myself for surviving the 1st year!

4 more years to go...

why 4 more years eh? lepas tu nak quit ke? nak jadi tai-tai boleh? haha. ok diam.

but neh, i plan to do this long term.

because i love them kids.

yup, all puluh-puluh of them.

but 1st year of course the most memorable...

my 1st form class,

my 1st cca with my lovable mak-nenek dancers (having to layan all their bitch fights & i-dont-want-to-talk-to-you moments)... love them nonetheless. been there done that girls.

my 1st few malay classes. from sec 1 all the way to sec 3.

my first camp.

my first teachers day.

my first eee.pee.em.ass (which i have every reason to be proud of)

yup, will remember it definitely.

plus the fact that during this first year,
someone came (back) into my life. :)
alhamdulillah.

life seems complete doesnt it. :)

i have everything that i need, that i want, and so much more.

blessed indeed.
alhamdulillah.

This is me,

(via simplynorule)

EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Haha.

because He is All-Merciful

"So it got me thinking about how many things in our lives we mess up again and again and again. It got me thinking about how many things we keep getting wrong, how many things we do to hurt our own selves.

And yet, Allah keeps mending it. Again and again and again.

Allah never grows tired of mending it.

He never grows tired of healing us.

Subhanna Al-Jabbar. Wa Allahu akbar."

(via yasminmogahed)

time & time again You gave me a chance.

time & time again i did not learn my lesson, and screwed up somehow.

thank You,

for the chances

after chances

after chances.

for the mending,

and the healing.

for everything.

please heal me,
one more time.

true story.

"sometimes when I push you away,

it's because I need you to pull me closer."

(via uponafairytale)

in the name of Allah.

(via thebeautyofislam)

the 1st day of term 2.

May Allah grant me (and all of you) ease in all that we do. insyaAllah.
Amin.

Bismillah.

let me be your life

(via uponafairytale)


too much eh. hahaha.
oklahhhh, tak lah.
part of your life can?
demandingnyaaaa hidayah. chet.
but i know you will still love me for who i am. hehe.

everything, everytime.

"there are two reasons why people don't talk about something:


either it doesn't mean anything,
or
it means everything."

(via uponafairytale)

for me, it has always been the latter.

it means too much for me to even start talking about it.

i have to learn to voice out my views & not be afraid of conflicts because i guess, only with conflicts do we grow. only by having these talks will all these baggage be free.

so give me time,

give me a chance,

make me feel safe,

and hear me out.

show that you want me.

that you want to hear me.

that what i have to say is important to you.

that i am important to you.

that i mean the world to you.

that you treasure me.
cherish me.
adore me.
love me.

show me.

---

‘Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.’

Chris – age 7

‘You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.’

Jessica – age 8

so many words in my heart

"One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter."

- James Earl Jones -

(via weheartit)



breathes in, breathes out.

(via uponafairytale)

everyday i tell myself,

no matter how exhausted or upset i am, with the students or circumstances,

i have to:

Keep Calm & Carry On.

because sometimes when i feel,

angry,
or sad,
or upset,
or anxious,
or worried,


i don't think.
i just say, or do.



Ushering in 2012

has been all smiles since the start of the new year. :)

honestly no words can explain this feeling i'm having right now. :)

God is indeed Great. :)

i still remember the previous year when i met 2011 with tears streaming down my face. But He turned everything around & allowed me to experience such wholesome euphoria while ushering in 2012. 

there's a first for everything. and this first, i kinda like... ;)

though i'm not sure what the future holds, i'm definitely looking forward to more wonderful things to come. insyaAllah.
i shall continue counting the endless blessings that He has bestowed upon me. shall not look back & continue moving towards the future. :)

"Remembers today like it was yesterday."

I recall saying that with tears in my eyes back in 2011. But this time around, those same words are uttered with a sheepish smile on my face. Hee~
It's amazing how things change. :)

Hope the start of 2012 has been good for you too.

:)

p/s i believe you noticed too how many smiley faces i have in this entry. hehe.

Thoughts for the end of the year

And so the year is coming to an end. For us teachers, the signal of the end of the year is represented by being called back to school for meetings (& more meetings & even more meetings). Hurhurhur.

The past couple of days have been a little bit draining (to say the least) to this brain of mine that has not been working that hard (ok, not working at all) for the past month or so. May i clarify, brain has not been working ONLY with regards to school matters. The brain though has been on overdrive for some other matters which is best not to mention. LOL.

Honestly, i'm kinda excited (got my form class, & my subject classes as well as my responsibilities for the various departments) but at the same time a bit overwhelmed by everything. It doesn't help that miss red riding hood is currently visiting, hence the feeling of wanting to smile but cry at the same time is making me all confused & very unsure of what i am supposed to feel actually.

I hate worrying about not being able to keep up or not doing the best of my capabilities or not sure of what to do or what not to do. I should stop i know. School has not even started & i'm worrying like crazy. Worrying about things that might not even happen. GAH!

Worry less, pray more eh please Cikgu Nor. Advice people pandai, when comes to diri sendiri, all the advices sendiri lupa. Chet.

But as i always say, baby steps eh?

Pray for me dear friends, & readers. May 2012 be a smooth-sailing one for us, but even if it's not, may we be given the strength & patience to overcome what God has decreed for us. Afterall, things will only befall you because He allows it to happen. And things He does not allow, will not happen at all. :)

With that, enjoy the remaining of your holidays my fellow teacher comrades. Even if you are not teachers, do make the best of the long NEW YEAR holidays. Spend it with your loved ones. Tell them you love them, spend time with them & most of all ALWAYS appreciate them, for everything that they have done for you.

HAPPY (advanced) 2012.

the river or the lake

"Between your fingers you hold a stone and throw it into flowing water. The effect might not be easy to see. There will be a small ripple where the stone breaks the surface and then a splash, muffled by the rush of the surrounding river. That's all.

Throw a stone into a lake. The effect will be not only visible but also far more lasting. The stone will disrupt the still waters. A circle will form where the stone hit the water, and in a flash that circle will multiply into another, then another. Before long the ripples caused by one plop will expand until they can be felt everywhere along the mirrored surface of the water. Only when the circles reach the shore will they stop and die out.

If a stone hits a river, the river will treat it as yet another commotion in its already tumultuous course. Nothing unusual. Nothing unmanageable.

If a stone hits a lake, however, 
the lake will never be the same again."

- Elif Shafak, The Forty Rules of Love -

if you know me really well, 
you will know which water body i am 

and then you will truly understand, 
why i am the way i am.

i was made that way.
please have heart?

i hide my pain so well, i surprise even myself when it hurts.

(via weheartit)

sometimes i wish this heart doesn't hurt easily.

but they always say - "be careful what you wish for."

i guess i should be thankful i hurt easily, cos it means i'm capable of loving that much. but it also means people are capable of hurting me as much. you can never have everything can you.

dear heart, please stop hurting. please, i ask of you.

this is only the hurt part. i have yet to start on the trust part. sigh.
i guess when i stop hurting, that's when i'll start trusting again.

as much as i'm hurting, i will fight for the promises i made. or will i be left with no more energy to fight?
i guess only time will tell.

"not all scars show,

not all wounds heal."


but that's the sad me talking.

the optimistic me will say,
"what doesn't kill you, will make you stronger."

and i have always been optimistic like that. i am made this way.
so yes, i am stronger & hopefully wiser (after turning 18 a few days ago). hehehehehe.
because after all, not only i hurt, i do hurt people too (hmmm, probably it's my karma yes for hurting people's feelings whether i realise it or not. then again, it might be another of God's test for me). 
whatever it is, it's a cycle. part & parcel of life.
so i shall be a man woman & suck it up. hehe.

and at the end of the day,
i leave it to fate & God.
He knows best. :)

and psst, wanna know a secret?
the thing is, not only my heart hurts, the head is hurting too. all because i banged my forehead into the side of the bed when i woke up this morning. and it's hurting like crazy. ouch.
oh well, the perks of being so clumsy. O.o
hurhur.

i'm ok not ok

(via leilockheart)

because actually, each time, i want to say...

i'm tired. or sleepy. or drained. or disappointed. or emotional. or stressed. or angry. or frustrated. or lost. or scared. or worried.

you know, whichever feeling that i happen to feel on that day. (like today for example, i wanna say i'm crushed/disappointed/hurt.)

and open up my arms for a hug.

because i love hugs. i love getting or giving hugs.

but of course, most of the time (to prevent people from running away from me thinking i'm some loony because you know they normally ask "how are you?" just for the sake of asking) i will just say,

"OK."

experience = more wise, no?

(via leilockheart)

not sure why so emotional the past few days.

:/

holding it in for too long

I was just telling the best friend exactly 6 days ago,

"If you ask me if I still love him, I would say I do. Cos you don't just stop loving someone. You just learn to live without them. But you never really stop loving them."

Then, today happened.

And the dam burst.